Moving Forward

Since my horrible mishap on love few months ago, i refused to watch or hear nor read anything about that 4-letter-word, LOVE. The more hurt i feel, the BITTER my heart went on and the BITTER my heart is, the more i treat other people like crap. I became shallow, irritable, bitchy, selfish, cruel and self-centered. Because my past relationship treated me cruelly, i thought that i should give back to myself and think highly of myself this time which unconsiderably making it hard for other people to comfort me and worst, living with me. Unconciously, i'm shooing away even those persons who cared enough to comfort me even though i'm the hardest person to deal with. I always contradict my friend's stories about their relationships and always compared theirs to my own failed relationship.


When i stopped believing in love, I also stopped believing that i would be feeling better. Every part of me hurts. Every inch of my body aches. I became the GRINCH who wants to stole valentine's and love. I made myself mushy-proof from all the love stuffs and set-up a wall around me. I felt like crap. I am miserable. I took what happened to me the wrong way. I made my brokenheartedness an excuse to everything, just for me not to function productively. Everytime i fail at something, i always blame it to my heartache and the person who made me feel that way. I was hopeless.

It wasn't until last month, when holy week came that i realized what was happening to me. As i scanned my life a few months ago. It wasn't really love that made me feel like crap. It was ME. I was making my life miserable along with other people around me. Everytime i tried recognizing that fact, i blind sidedly pointed out the blame on my failed relationship. I didn't notice that the wall i'm putting up around me was the only one that's keeping me alone and miserable. I am who i am because i did that to myself. I refuse to move forward and i refuse to see the world beyond what have ended. I only see what i wanted to see, believe what i wanted to believe, hear, read and deal only to things i only wanted to.

That all points out to me, blogging again weeks ago. I started refelecting and dealing with other things i LOVE doing the most. First is blogging. It's my therapy. I know i have my friends to talk to, but having a blog makes me feel that i am exposing a part of myself to the world. I may have lost somebody and felt like sh*t, but realized a lot of things. Everything in this world is temporary. The only permanent thing in this world is change. And i know, i'm feeling more and more of that change one little step at a time. No matter how long it'll take for me to get better, i know, i'll get there. And i'm sure when that time comes, it'll be all worth it and i know everything's gonna be just fine.

So if i do post something so OVERATED and all so DUH-RAMATIC. Please excuse my french. ;))

Ciao for now,

love,