Good for Nothing ME

I'm not good at anything.


I'm not good looking. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good writer, a dancer and a worst singer. I'm not a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter nor a good listener. I'm not good at modeling nor taking pictures, driving hates me and I'm screwing up at my work. 


Just as when i thought everything was working out just fine. Problem just keeps on hunting me and keeps on pulling me down. It always make sure that it's keeping up on whatever i'm doing. 


I'm trying. But i'm not giving my all, not even my good. Not even my best. 


So much frustrations keeping me down. I don't know where i'm headed and not know where i wanted to go. 


All i know is i'm STUCK. Not knowing what i want so i'm staying nowhere.


My life sucks. Because i'm making it hard for me. No one is to blame. I am what i am because subconsciously, it's what i am doing to myself. 


Ciao for now.


love, 

First Day Funk

First Day. How will i even begin to explain my first day at the hospital. Like what Cady Heron said at the movie, Mean Girls, "The first day of duty was a blur. A stressful, surreal blur." I am lost. Completely LOST. I don't know what i'm saying. I don't know what i'm doing. I acted and looked like an awkward-looking-IDIOT. I just stand there awkwardly and staring at the nurses blankly. I feel so stupid and dumb. ='( I suddenly feel so small and realized that my years are so behind me. I feel so withdrawn because of my batch and my age and my hospital experience. I realized how much time i have wasted. Years that i should be growing personally and professionally. I wanted to blame someone else. But the blame is all on me. ='( I feel so insecure. I just hope that i will be able to prove myself and everybody else of my capabilities and skills. This is my last shot. If ever i fail on this, i don't know what else i'm gonna do. I just pray that God would help me go through this. ='(


Ciao for now.


love,

From Pit Stop going back to the RACE

The past four years has been the longest pit stop in my life. I've been going through more down moments than positive ones. And the more i tried to be happy the more i struggled to have a better life. My life has been undergoing it's dark phase. 


I almost gave up trying until last Monday. I received a phone call from something i was hoping for from the past 4 years. And this morning, it was my time to redeem what has been withheld from me for so long. It was a make or break moment. And I asked God that if nursing isn't really for me, then just lead me to the right path. But this afternoon, God lead me to the path he wanted me to take. I did my best and he did the rest. 


On Monday, i shall be starting a new life. A life God chose for me. God has taken my life out of the darkness and into the light. It's a new start. A new chance to win against the race of life. 


Ciao for now.


love, 

Note to Future Self 3

Dearest Future Patty,

You are now thorn between the Future and the Past. You know that all you wanted to do is just to move forward but things just keeps on dragging you to the past. Depression has it's own way of block mailing you of the skeletons you kept in your closet which you thought you have dragged out. But apparently, you were wrong. You still have a couple more of that skeletons hiding inside. And for some reasons, they weren't going anywhere. Depression made it sure that he will be able to use it against you. Please hang on Future Patty. I know you'll be able to survive everything and anything. Just HANG ON. 

Until then,


Love, 
Present PATTY.. =))

Note to Future Self 2

Dearest Future Patty,


Today, depression visited you. It's been quite a while since he last saw you. He's insisting to see you since last wednesday but decided to come today. He's been hanging around since this morning, but his aura has been haunting you since last week. As usual, he ask you the same question that he always ask, "WHY" and "What went wrong"? At first you pretended that you didn't hear anything at all and just completely ignore his presence. He repeatedly questioned you for what was happening to your life until you can no longer ignore him. His persistence and determination prevails. And when you tried to answer his questions, he mocked you, and belittled you once more. Tonight, he's insisting that he'll stay beside you. The night will be long and in no time, misery and loneliness will be coming over to accompany you and depression. I just hope that when we see each other in the future, you have completely turn your back to depression, misery and loneliness.


Until then..


love,
PRESENT Patty

Moving Forward

Since my horrible mishap on love few months ago, i refused to watch or hear nor read anything about that 4-letter-word, LOVE. The more hurt i feel, the BITTER my heart went on and the BITTER my heart is, the more i treat other people like crap. I became shallow, irritable, bitchy, selfish, cruel and self-centered. Because my past relationship treated me cruelly, i thought that i should give back to myself and think highly of myself this time which unconsiderably making it hard for other people to comfort me and worst, living with me. Unconciously, i'm shooing away even those persons who cared enough to comfort me even though i'm the hardest person to deal with. I always contradict my friend's stories about their relationships and always compared theirs to my own failed relationship.